![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apachefirecat posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
halfamoonTitle: For Angel
Fandom: Angel
Author: Apache Firecat
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
Rating: PG/K+
Summary: For Angel, she would give anything, or everything.
Word Count: 1,997
Written For: Half A Moon Day 12: Dealing with Adversity, 100 Fandom Hell Fandom #50, 100 Ships #44. Earth, and Fannish 50 #25
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
She had wanted to be a star. She had worked for years to become one, but she had never thought it would happen like this. As she was ascending, Cordelia was seeing things she had never seen before, as well as things that she had evidently seen but had been made to forget. She had been a star some time, somewhere, and in some when. She had been a star who the whole nation had loved, but she had given it all up to be with him. She had given it all up in a heartbeat, because Angel had needed her.
As he does now. She has wanted so much for so very long now to be able to be what he needs, to be able to sweep away all his pain, his fear, and sorrow and give to him what he gives to so many other people, hundreds of people, including herself. She's wanted to ease his pain and give him joy, and without the fear of Angelus. When they had been raising Connor together, for a time, she had felt like they'd almost made it, like he was going to be able to be happy. And then everything had fallen apart.
For a while, she had been happy, and she had not needed anything, or anybody, else. She had not needed her name up in lights. She had not needed fame, or even her father's approval despite the fact that, in part, the reason why she had once been so determined to hit it big was to give her parents a reason to be proud of her, and a way out of the poorhouse. She had yearned to be able to give them, and most especially herself, back what she had always had growing up because of them, popularity, the feeling of being liked, admired, and even revered.
But during that time, when she'd felt so at ease and happy with Angel and his child, their child, she had not needed anything else. She had not needed her friends' approval, or anyone else's. She had not needed to be liked, and she had felt loved. Angel had been happy with her, and she realized now, as she was being lifted up through the Heavens, that he had loved her then. He had been proud of her and his son. He had seemed... He had seemed so happy, and he had loved her. He still loved her.
But he needed her perhaps even more than he loved her. Connor was back, but far from whole, and far from being the little boy who they had both loved. Their love, their happiness, seemed to be rebuilding, but it could all fall apart still so very easily. If anything happened to Connor again... If they lost him, Cordelia was not at all sure she would ever be able to bring Angel back from that grief. And Groo was right -- Whenever Angel grieved, Cordelia's heart broke all over again.
She didn't need approval any longer, Cordy thought, not her parents or her peers, not Hollywood's, but perhaps a part of her still needed, or at least craved, Angel's. The man had come to mean the whole world to her. He had lifted her out of darkness and despair and cared for her, genuinely cared for her, like no one else ever had, or ever would, she knew. He couldn't allow himself to love. She understood the dangers therein, but she also knew that the way he sometimes seemed to feel about her... The way he had felt about her while they'd been raising his son together... The way Groo had made her face that they both still felt about each other... It was true. It was real, and it wasn't just possessed lovers from another life or his craving to connect with humanity without falling for the Slayer again. Buffy finally no longer had any implications on them, and Cordelia had been freed from her former life -- from both of them actually.
It would never have mattered if she'd never have become rich again, or famous. It didn't matter that people didn't know that she was risking life and limb to protect them and save their little world every night, and from where she was currently hovering high above the city, it really was an incredibly small world after all. Realizing that she was looking down at the whole Earth now, she gulped.
"Are you afraid?" a kind voice asked. It seemed to be speaking to her from the inky black cosmos, or perhaps from the stars as they twinkled and almost winked. A strange feeling crawled along Cordelia's flesh, but she knew everything was going to be fine. It was going to be fine, because as a Higher Being, she would finally have the strength and power to be able to truly protect and guide Angel, and to protect Connor too. She could make certain her baby boy was never again taken from the man she loved.
She could make sure they were both happy, and stayed on the right path to enlightenment and full redemption. She'd felt Angel had redeemed himself long ago, but she knew he still didn't feel it. He would probably never feel it, and that wasn't something she could give him if she stayed with him. She had always used her visions to help him. "You can't get rid of me! I'm Vision Girl!" her protest from years before echoed in her head and almost, it seemed, the very air around her. She never would have left him willingly. She still wanted to argue with Them about making her leave him now, especially before she could tell him how she truly felt, but surely he knew? If he didn't, she find a way to tell him still. But she couldn't ignore this opportunity, not when it would enable her to help him in ways she never could have while still a mortal, not when she could help all her family, those who had become her family, in ways she never would have been able to otherwise. This wasn't about her -- it was about what she could do for them. And there was no price too great to pay to ensure Angel's happiness.
She tried not to look down the thousands of feet back to the ground as her own words echoed around her and memories flashed through her mind. Every human being was accustomed to the idea that one's life flashed before them when they died. This couldn't be too unlike those moments, but she wasn't dying. Was she?
"Are you afraid?" the voice asked. It was gentle, soothing, and feminine, and again, Cordelia remembered that everything was going to be all right.
"N-" She started to say, but suddenly, she no longer felt the need to lie. She was afraid, but she also wasn't. Everything was going to be fine, and that included any possible repercussions from being as brutally honest as she always had been in life. In life? She gulped again. But wasn't she still alive? She wasn't dying -- she was ascending, becoming something more, something far greater than a mere human or even Vision Girl, becoming more to be able to more greatly help Angel and their troubled son.
Everything was going to be all right. She didn't know how, but she knew it would be. She also knew she could be truthful with this presence. Was the speaker God? she wondered. Was He... She... the Maker of everything down below? "It doesn't matter," she said, instead, in truth.
"You love him."
Although it wasn't a question but more of an observation, Cordelia still answered, "Yes." She remembered the first time she'd set eyes on Angel, how very much she'd wanted him then, but that had been mere, animalistic desire. It had been a hormonal craving for she'd never seen a man who looked as good before him. Nor after, she had to admit now if only to herself. That brief moment back in the Bronze had been a predecessor, a warning of sorts, of everything that would come, and everything yet that was to follow. The man had turned her life upside down, and completely changed her, like no other guy ever had or could. Cordy had always sworn she wouldn't change for a guy -- despite that fiasco with Xander --, but she had for Angel. Moreover, all of the changes he had wrought into her life, and into her herself, had all been for the better.
And now? Now she was supposed to be becoming some kind of Higher Being? What was this, Shanshu for a human? Did it even matter really, as long as it helped him? She licked her lips that had suddenly turned dry. "This will help him?" she asked. "It will help him to find happiness?"
"It will help him to become complete."
"Like a good complete, right?" Cordelia asked, her mind flashing back to the days when she had cradled baby Connor in Angel's bed and his father had cradled her. That time had been the only time in her entire life when she had actually felt complete. She had felt loved then, Cordelia realized, not just wanted or needed but genuinely, truly loved. That was something she had never felt with her parents (they'd always been too busy making or spending more money), or with her friends who had clung to her to help them get through the packs of high school, or with any of her many, many boyfriends, including poor Groo. If she ever saw him again, she would need to apologize to him, but right now -- Right now, yet again, nothing mattered but Angel. She had never felt so completely happy and loved with anyone before but Angel, and with Connor too, and she would gladly do anything for him. She would do anything, she realized, for both of them.
"He will be completed, but only if you give what he needs to be so. If you do this, you will be able to help him in ways you never could while tethered to the mortal plane, and you will be able to help others, thousands of others."
For someone who was supposed to be such a higher, more elite being, she was still quite selfish, Cordelia realized. She didn't care about those thousands of souls she could help. She only cared about one. Well, two really, but mainly one.
There was no question about it. She had to do it. For Angel, she had to do it. For the man without whom she would have died long ago, either shooting up in some fancy director's bungalow or being drained alive by a hungry Vampire, for the man to whom she had pledged her own undying love many years ago, she had to do it. Besides, if Angel was supposed to keep saving the world, didn't she need to do this for the world as well?
Screw the world, Cordelia thought loftily. It had never cared about her, why should she care about it? Why should she care about the billions of people who were always so quick to judge one another, and herself? She wasn't going to do another thing for the world, make another sacrifice for people who had always used her for their own means... But Angel had never been like that. Angel had shown her what true humanity, true friendship, and true love really were. She had told him, just hours ago, that he had the biggest heart of anyone she'd ever known, and it was still true. No matter how many beings she met, no matter how many worlds they saved, no matter how many planes she ascended, it would always be true, and she would always love him.
For him, she would always give anything, do anything, become anything. "Yes," she answered and bowed her head, waiting for the changes to come.
The End
Fandom: Angel
Author: Apache Firecat
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
Rating: PG/K+
Summary: For Angel, she would give anything, or everything.
Word Count: 1,997
Written For: Half A Moon Day 12: Dealing with Adversity, 100 Fandom Hell Fandom #50, 100 Ships #44. Earth, and Fannish 50 #25
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
She had wanted to be a star. She had worked for years to become one, but she had never thought it would happen like this. As she was ascending, Cordelia was seeing things she had never seen before, as well as things that she had evidently seen but had been made to forget. She had been a star some time, somewhere, and in some when. She had been a star who the whole nation had loved, but she had given it all up to be with him. She had given it all up in a heartbeat, because Angel had needed her.
As he does now. She has wanted so much for so very long now to be able to be what he needs, to be able to sweep away all his pain, his fear, and sorrow and give to him what he gives to so many other people, hundreds of people, including herself. She's wanted to ease his pain and give him joy, and without the fear of Angelus. When they had been raising Connor together, for a time, she had felt like they'd almost made it, like he was going to be able to be happy. And then everything had fallen apart.
For a while, she had been happy, and she had not needed anything, or anybody, else. She had not needed her name up in lights. She had not needed fame, or even her father's approval despite the fact that, in part, the reason why she had once been so determined to hit it big was to give her parents a reason to be proud of her, and a way out of the poorhouse. She had yearned to be able to give them, and most especially herself, back what she had always had growing up because of them, popularity, the feeling of being liked, admired, and even revered.
But during that time, when she'd felt so at ease and happy with Angel and his child, their child, she had not needed anything else. She had not needed her friends' approval, or anyone else's. She had not needed to be liked, and she had felt loved. Angel had been happy with her, and she realized now, as she was being lifted up through the Heavens, that he had loved her then. He had been proud of her and his son. He had seemed... He had seemed so happy, and he had loved her. He still loved her.
But he needed her perhaps even more than he loved her. Connor was back, but far from whole, and far from being the little boy who they had both loved. Their love, their happiness, seemed to be rebuilding, but it could all fall apart still so very easily. If anything happened to Connor again... If they lost him, Cordelia was not at all sure she would ever be able to bring Angel back from that grief. And Groo was right -- Whenever Angel grieved, Cordelia's heart broke all over again.
She didn't need approval any longer, Cordy thought, not her parents or her peers, not Hollywood's, but perhaps a part of her still needed, or at least craved, Angel's. The man had come to mean the whole world to her. He had lifted her out of darkness and despair and cared for her, genuinely cared for her, like no one else ever had, or ever would, she knew. He couldn't allow himself to love. She understood the dangers therein, but she also knew that the way he sometimes seemed to feel about her... The way he had felt about her while they'd been raising his son together... The way Groo had made her face that they both still felt about each other... It was true. It was real, and it wasn't just possessed lovers from another life or his craving to connect with humanity without falling for the Slayer again. Buffy finally no longer had any implications on them, and Cordelia had been freed from her former life -- from both of them actually.
It would never have mattered if she'd never have become rich again, or famous. It didn't matter that people didn't know that she was risking life and limb to protect them and save their little world every night, and from where she was currently hovering high above the city, it really was an incredibly small world after all. Realizing that she was looking down at the whole Earth now, she gulped.
"Are you afraid?" a kind voice asked. It seemed to be speaking to her from the inky black cosmos, or perhaps from the stars as they twinkled and almost winked. A strange feeling crawled along Cordelia's flesh, but she knew everything was going to be fine. It was going to be fine, because as a Higher Being, she would finally have the strength and power to be able to truly protect and guide Angel, and to protect Connor too. She could make certain her baby boy was never again taken from the man she loved.
She could make sure they were both happy, and stayed on the right path to enlightenment and full redemption. She'd felt Angel had redeemed himself long ago, but she knew he still didn't feel it. He would probably never feel it, and that wasn't something she could give him if she stayed with him. She had always used her visions to help him. "You can't get rid of me! I'm Vision Girl!" her protest from years before echoed in her head and almost, it seemed, the very air around her. She never would have left him willingly. She still wanted to argue with Them about making her leave him now, especially before she could tell him how she truly felt, but surely he knew? If he didn't, she find a way to tell him still. But she couldn't ignore this opportunity, not when it would enable her to help him in ways she never could have while still a mortal, not when she could help all her family, those who had become her family, in ways she never would have been able to otherwise. This wasn't about her -- it was about what she could do for them. And there was no price too great to pay to ensure Angel's happiness.
She tried not to look down the thousands of feet back to the ground as her own words echoed around her and memories flashed through her mind. Every human being was accustomed to the idea that one's life flashed before them when they died. This couldn't be too unlike those moments, but she wasn't dying. Was she?
"Are you afraid?" the voice asked. It was gentle, soothing, and feminine, and again, Cordelia remembered that everything was going to be all right.
"N-" She started to say, but suddenly, she no longer felt the need to lie. She was afraid, but she also wasn't. Everything was going to be fine, and that included any possible repercussions from being as brutally honest as she always had been in life. In life? She gulped again. But wasn't she still alive? She wasn't dying -- she was ascending, becoming something more, something far greater than a mere human or even Vision Girl, becoming more to be able to more greatly help Angel and their troubled son.
Everything was going to be all right. She didn't know how, but she knew it would be. She also knew she could be truthful with this presence. Was the speaker God? she wondered. Was He... She... the Maker of everything down below? "It doesn't matter," she said, instead, in truth.
"You love him."
Although it wasn't a question but more of an observation, Cordelia still answered, "Yes." She remembered the first time she'd set eyes on Angel, how very much she'd wanted him then, but that had been mere, animalistic desire. It had been a hormonal craving for she'd never seen a man who looked as good before him. Nor after, she had to admit now if only to herself. That brief moment back in the Bronze had been a predecessor, a warning of sorts, of everything that would come, and everything yet that was to follow. The man had turned her life upside down, and completely changed her, like no other guy ever had or could. Cordy had always sworn she wouldn't change for a guy -- despite that fiasco with Xander --, but she had for Angel. Moreover, all of the changes he had wrought into her life, and into her herself, had all been for the better.
And now? Now she was supposed to be becoming some kind of Higher Being? What was this, Shanshu for a human? Did it even matter really, as long as it helped him? She licked her lips that had suddenly turned dry. "This will help him?" she asked. "It will help him to find happiness?"
"It will help him to become complete."
"Like a good complete, right?" Cordelia asked, her mind flashing back to the days when she had cradled baby Connor in Angel's bed and his father had cradled her. That time had been the only time in her entire life when she had actually felt complete. She had felt loved then, Cordelia realized, not just wanted or needed but genuinely, truly loved. That was something she had never felt with her parents (they'd always been too busy making or spending more money), or with her friends who had clung to her to help them get through the packs of high school, or with any of her many, many boyfriends, including poor Groo. If she ever saw him again, she would need to apologize to him, but right now -- Right now, yet again, nothing mattered but Angel. She had never felt so completely happy and loved with anyone before but Angel, and with Connor too, and she would gladly do anything for him. She would do anything, she realized, for both of them.
"He will be completed, but only if you give what he needs to be so. If you do this, you will be able to help him in ways you never could while tethered to the mortal plane, and you will be able to help others, thousands of others."
For someone who was supposed to be such a higher, more elite being, she was still quite selfish, Cordelia realized. She didn't care about those thousands of souls she could help. She only cared about one. Well, two really, but mainly one.
There was no question about it. She had to do it. For Angel, she had to do it. For the man without whom she would have died long ago, either shooting up in some fancy director's bungalow or being drained alive by a hungry Vampire, for the man to whom she had pledged her own undying love many years ago, she had to do it. Besides, if Angel was supposed to keep saving the world, didn't she need to do this for the world as well?
Screw the world, Cordelia thought loftily. It had never cared about her, why should she care about it? Why should she care about the billions of people who were always so quick to judge one another, and herself? She wasn't going to do another thing for the world, make another sacrifice for people who had always used her for their own means... But Angel had never been like that. Angel had shown her what true humanity, true friendship, and true love really were. She had told him, just hours ago, that he had the biggest heart of anyone she'd ever known, and it was still true. No matter how many beings she met, no matter how many worlds they saved, no matter how many planes she ascended, it would always be true, and she would always love him.
For him, she would always give anything, do anything, become anything. "Yes," she answered and bowed her head, waiting for the changes to come.
The End
